How to be a Parent

Only recently have we started to get submissions from our subscribers. Mostly nice comments, friends pretending to be important people and questions. Many. Random. Questions.

So we've decided to store them and when it's a slow content month, we'll draw them at random. This months winner is...... 

 

"People keep telling us to forget about our old lives and how difficult it's going to be, in response to them finding out we are pregnant. What would you say to them and is there any advice you would give a first time parent?" 

 

Answer:  A Douchebag.

 

We get it. Not everyone wants kids and that's fine, but don't go terrifying other people who are actually about to have one. Like, they can't really turn back at this point. Here's the bottom line.

Is your life going to change? Yes.

Will you have to do things differently? Yes.

Will you not be able to have weekend binge fests  like in college? (even though you can barely day drink at your age now and you don't have to have a hangover for your back to hurt so quit lyin to yourself) Probably not.  

But they are awesome. It's like 10 times better than any puppy you ever got.

Don't worry. You don't have anything to worry about. We are here to give you the only advice you'll ever need to succeed as a parent that no book will ever tell you. Ready?

 

"For the first year of the baby's life don't kill it.  "

Dont think we're being mean, we aren't. This is literally your only job for the first year. Protect your baby. You hear things like the way to put it to sleep, how much to feed it, watch it's tiny little head.... Just be as delicate as you can and protect it.  You're basically all snuggles and cuddles at this point. Swaddle that baby burrito until it's one giant Joey Bag of Secure.

 

For the second year of the baby's life, don't let IT kill Itself. Again, we aren't being mean, this is the truth. Sometimes this stage occurs even earlier than them reaching the full 2 year mark, but you'll know. It's typically around the same time they learn how to teleport. One second they're sitting on the floor next to you and then they are in an entirely different room across the house. Boom. Teleport. At this stage they are constantly a contestant on Fear Factor, anything they want to eat , they will. If anything is able to be opened, slammed, cranked, pulled, licked, smashed, broke, cut, electrocuted or ruined...  they will. So you are going to experience what we like to call "shock stops", which is when you turn around and see your baby standing on the tv about to jump 10 feet into a coffee table and your heart literally stops. Like their dead, you failed, it hurts. But then your super parent instinct powers kick in and you dive to the floor saving your baby only to catch the end table in time to cause a wicked hematoma.

Once you make it through year two the hard stuff is basically over. So just remember it's important to not kill it and then not let it kill itself.

So congrats on your new bundle of joy and start practicing kungfoo because fighting a toddler is a real thing and comes when they turn three. Like an actual cage match. Not Kidding. 

 

XOXO, 

C. & G.